English Jokes

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. 
Maria: This is it.  
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? 

Class: Maria did. 

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. 
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone." 
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk 
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. 

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.

Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! 

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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip). 
Telegram 
Telephone 
Tell a woman 

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If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.

If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life. 

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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's. 
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk 
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". 
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk 
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"

However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals. 

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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.

B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! 

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A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself." 
Submitted by: Anonymous 
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "Wait a minute." 

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. 

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."